The law of authenticity for building relationships that matter
Relationships have the potential to reveal us as we truly are. Or not.
We definitely live in a connected world. Some people help us to be our best selves, while some others trigger uncontrollable reactions in us and soon we regret how we have behaved. What if they was a key? A rule? A law that we could honor to be ourselves while building relationships that truly matter for us?
What wouldn’t we do to stay in a relationship, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings… or to keep our job? Yet, there is only one person you can’t fool: yourself.
Are we facing a dilemma ?
« Only when we are honest with ourselves can we speak or act honestly with someone else.” Dan Millman
Teaching NVC and Authentic Relating to leaders and teams, I often hear “If I am honest, I will damage the relationship”. I have so many testimonies of the contrary. The following advices come from a client who experienced a breakup in her love relationship.
Here are 5 ways for staying authentic in relationships that matter.
1. Accept reality. Stop fighting against what is, against this reality that differs from our projections, our dreams and our hopes. It is only then that we can respond authentically, and remain ourselves.
2. Know your values and express them. Often, when we don’t act according to our deepest values, we regret it later. Know your priorities when you have to make a choice.
3. Respect yourself. If instead of respecting yourself, you get depressed, talk negatively about the event and try to compensate with something else: drinking, eating or working, you are doing it wrong. You are lying to yourself.
4. Assume responsibility. This means facing the pain, without letting it overcome you, without fighting it, while it distills its lessons. You are responsible for your own feelings. Take a close look at your own patterns, wounds and beliefs.
5. Open your heart — The ego refuses to be hurt and tries to avoid it, in vain. Your authentic being fully accepts suffering. Open your heart. Clear the clouds of an attached and dependent state of mind, and turn to what is beautiful and good.
The relationship that matters most is the relationship to yourself! Because the best gift you can give someone is yourself!
What’s next ?
- This post is a summary of a longer article, inspired by the story of one client. Read the story here (in French).
- Have you been in a similar situation? What did you learn from it? Share your experiences by responding to this post.
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Thanks to Jake Nackos for the picture !
